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The following were from various e mails sent to me.
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Light travels faster than sound; therefore, this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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As for being a stranger ? I couldn't possibly be any stranger, as for the public - well there is nothing so queer as folk.

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Subject: CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER'S SOUL

1. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." -- by Jack Handy

2. I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. -- Frank Sinatra

3. An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- Ernest Hemingway

4. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

5. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? -- StephenWright

6. When we drink, we get buzzed. When we get buzzed, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Soooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- Brian O'Rourke

7. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

8. Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry

9. Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!

10. Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

11. To some it's a six-pack; to me it's a Support Group

12. Helping white man dance forever.

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Here's the final word on nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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Jim and Roger were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped in to the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there. Roger promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Roger's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Roger the news he said "Roger, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Roger replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

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Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...OOPS, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock says, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it:
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and (I SWEAR) he said, "Tire go flat?"
I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!"
See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

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A guy walks into a resturant and reads the menu Cheese sandwich $2....Handjob $10. The waitress comes over and he ask's "Are you the lady that gives hand jobs?" She says yes. He says "Then go wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich"

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The engineer meets the manager ...


A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."